Suggestion 4:  Money Arguments and Dreams

My wife and I have been married for over 30 years, and quite a few people have noted just how close we are.  Being teachers, we drove to work together and then home almost everyday.  We had the same vacation days.  She even sat next to me on the bench when I coached girls’ basketball at Collinwood Middle School (that is when I ever sat down).  We’ve had our share of fights through the years, usually because of some stressful circumstances we were living through.  These arguments can be intense but are almost always very short-lived since we quickly discover the root cause---external stress.  For retired folks who spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together, it is essential to truly enjoy each other and get along.  We do.

This brings me to a memory of my parents’ marriage that lasted over 30 years (my mother died 30 years ago, father 17).  My childhood was positive in many ways, but the fighting in our house was predictable---constant!  I know there couldn’t have been fussing everyday, but time tends to paint with a broader stroke each year.  Suffice to say it was “normal” behavior in our house.  The topic always seemed to center on money---too much spent/too little brought in.  Even in elementary school I used to try to get all the numbers from them to see just where the problems lay.  They were surprisingly ready to share income and expenses with an 11 year old.  I suppose both considered the final numbers would support their argument.  The ironic thing was that there was always more than enough money for all the bills.  This will not be surprising to people of a certain age and background, since frugality was the course for poor folks moving to the big city (Memphis) for jobs.  They were both country-raised in Mississippi and living within your means was just what you did.  So, what were they fighting about?  Dreams.

I know now what I couldn’t see then.  They had plenty of money to fund all their needs but not enough to pay for separate dreams.  My father worked everyday as a master tool and die maker to allow the family to move back to his Mississippi roots on the old family farm.  My mother taught special education to keep the family in Memphis.  Both dreams had risks and benefits.  Both dreams were justifiable.  Both dreams could be successful.  They were just one dream too many.  So they funded one dream for a while---fixing up the old home place near Corinth---while maintaining the Memphis dream.  Then the Memphis dream would take most of the funds putting the farm on hold.  Neither dream was ever completely ignored…or satisfied.

The point is I believe a shared dream is maybe the most essential aspect of a healthy relationship, and this need is even more apparent after jobs stop taking most of your time.  Somehow through the years we’ve developed the notion of compromise as a noble, healthy process.  Compromise may be necessary but its very need demonstrates a fundamental difference of opinion.  I’m not sure people can compromise on deepest philosophical issues---like dreams.  Furthermore, I believe nothing is more powerful in a relationship than a shared dream.  One of many poems I’ve written my wife ends with this awareness:

“You are not my reason for living, but you’re why I have so little fear.”

Suggestion 3: The Worry Wagon

This topic has been an amazing revelation to me.  I assumed when I retired from a very stressful job teaching middle school, most of my worries would be gone.  I was wrong.  Oh, my everyday school stresses were over, and that was wonderful, especially at the beginning when the feeling was so alien.  I felt free.  Then I discovered the Worry Wagon.

We have so many things beyond our control that add stress to our lives, but it is crucial to understand the nature of most worries: personal responsibility.  While I was working, I felt responsible for my students achieving their highest possible levels.  I felt responsible for keeping parents informed and involved.  I felt responsible for cooperating with coworkers.  I felt responsible for doing what the boss(es) said.  These were serious concerns that took most of my time.  I didn’t want to let any one of these groups down.  It is logical to assume when the job ended, the worries would be diminished by that amount.  And they were---for about a month.

I remember a phone conversation about a year ago with my brother-in-law, Jim, in which he suggested I must be through with stress and/or worries.  That’s when I realized the existence of the Worry Wagon.  I was just as stressed/worried as I had been all my years of teaching.  The point is I believe we all have a certain capacity for carrying worries around, and since we take them everywhere with us, I label this the Worry Wagon.  Things I wouldn’t have worried about before because I was just too busy now had room in my wagon. 

And I’ve decided that’s okay.  It took most of three years and included a few moments of feeling disappointment over this revelation, but I know myself better now---it will always be my nature to fill that wagon.  I will always feel responsible because I choose to.  

Following our own advice is often the hardest course.  Several years ago, a mother of one of my 6^th graders in Heidelberg Middle School on the base there in Germany, asked me in a conference to talk to her daughter about being less sensitive, not keeping her feelings on her sleeve.  I know she thought it a reasonable request, especially considering how positive my relationship was with her daughter.  I still recall the momentary surprise when I immediately refused.  I asked her if she would prefer a daughter unaffected by the moods, wants, and needs of others.  You can’t have it both ways---someone who cares and someone who is invulnerable.  Where else do we need to keep our feelings?  What does an empty wagon tell you?

Like the first two suggestions in this blog, I do not pretend to have words that will prevent similar events to occur for anyone else, only to warn of their likelihood.  It would have helped me to hear/read these words; hope it helps you.

Suggestion 2: The Great Distraction is gone.

Like everyone in my generation, I have no real memory of not working.  I recall when my older brother was assigned tougher duties when I was old enough (just barely) to push the mower.  I remember it because of the chewing out I got from screwing it up at the beginning!  We worked when we came home from school; we worked every weekend; we worked most of any vacation from school.  My father never graduated from high school.  In fact, he never attended high school.  He was busy walking barefoot behind a pair of mules on a small farm in Northeast Mississippi.  He was smart and motivated to pull himself up and most definitely wanted his boys to get an education that he saw everyday hold him back.  So, I went to college.  I majored in as easy as possible (Sociology) since any college degree then was “success.”  Of course, I worked 30-40 hours a week the entire time I worked on my Bachelor’s degree (I switched to Special Education, but that is another story).  I did the same for a Master’s and, finally, a Doctorate.  I sold men’s clothing and women’s shoes, painted houses, did yard work, loaded and unloaded trucks, worked construction, worked at the Fair in milk bottles (the bottom outside milk bottles are very weighted!), refereed basketball (worse cussings I ever received), and taught school for 30 years.  Then I retired.

One of the real goals of retirement for everybody is to have more time for what they want to do, like hobbies, crafts, traveling, perhaps, just not being rushed.  I can say this certainly happened for me.  I have a lot more time for these activities and have found others I enjoy like writing and gardening.  But more time is like a big blanket; it covers everything.  Life is filled with decision making both large and small.  While I was working I was faced with constant decision-making, and I’d like to think I made the “right” decisions for the most part, with “right” being defined as the best possible with the information and time available.  So many decisions have to be made on the run with our busy work schedules.  Now, I’ve quit running.  While working I always had an excuse for a hurried, possibly “bad” decision: I’m just too busy.  I call this The Great Distraction.  Do the best you can with what you have, move on, and face the next situation.  There just isn’t enough time to reflect carefully on every decision because you have more pressing matters---your job!

The point is once you retire, you will have time to do all those hobbies, etc., but you will also have time to reconsider so many decisions you made through the years with a new evaluation of their “rightness.”  I’ve discovered this can be a very humbling, troubling process.  I realize now how many decisions I made with the apparent intention of helping someone “solve” some problem, but now I realize many of my decisions were perhaps about me not feeling bad.  For a person who hates regrets, this can be hard.  I do not have any specific suggestions about how to avoid this situation other than to make the best decisions you can for long term rather than short term benefits.  I only want to warn the process can be tough, even painful.  Being prepared for any stress seems to help me, so I hope this helps others.

For those wondering what kind of decisions I am describing, I will share a poem I wrote to my son about this issue a few years ago.  I didn’t realize just what the feelings motivating the poem were when I composed it, but I’d like to think I do now.  Childhood is a time for trial and error, a polite way of saying success and failure.  However, while failure can make for a long ride home or even a tough weekend for all those involved, sugar coating failure can cause more pain later.

More Enlightenment

Circus performers have

nothing on parents!

The juggling acts we do

truly are a great show.

We initially define

our roles as protectors.

We slowly evolve

protection into facilitation.

We continue the process

as facilitation becomes

support.

But we never really

remove a role; we just add more.

The rub begins when one role requires another

of equal value to fade.

I have said before that

Aaron deserves the right

to fail as much as I did, but I think I understand it more now.

Of course, all parents want their children happy, healthy, and successful.

The problem is success will almost assuredly require unhappiness.

It might be more appropriate to wish for health and respect,

because I suspect happiness will follow.

What I see now is there are no short cuts to respect.

Respect isn’t earned by continued success, but more by resolve after failures.

The lure of American Idol is to “earn” success in 6 weeks.

It just doesn’t work that way.

March, 2009

Suggestion 1: Healthcare

When we retired, we already had quite a few conditions that needed considerable medical supervision.  None were particularly life threatening, but we do need regular checkups and maintenance drugs/treatments.  What we have learned is our bodies are never finished "growing."  We've "grown" quite a few more conditions during the last three years, and some of the existing ones decided to add to their list of symptoms.

The first point is that health planning should include, but most definitely not be limited to, your current condition.  In short, things will get worse.  Health planning should be about what might need monitoring or fixing in the future.  This can be determined in some part by examining your family history (so many conditions seem to be "gifts" from your DNA).  You should also consider your present conditions and what they might evolve into; if your knees hurt now, chances are very good they will hurt worse later.  Being prepared for worst-case scenarios is good sense.

The second point is less obvious than the first.  We have discovered it is difficult/impossible to get healthcare professionals from different groups to share information.  And sharing information is the "easy" thing to get them to do!  We have discovered what we want/need is for them to share in diagnosis and, most importantly, treatment options.  For example, I have psoriasis that needs a dermatologist to treat.  I have psoriatic arthritis that needs a rheumatologist to treat.  I have ulcerative colitis (in remission 13 years!) that needs a gastroenterologist to treat.  I have a bad knee that needs an orthopedist to treat.  Each doctor might prescribe a treatment that will require review by the other doctors.  Several times in the past I have asked one doctor if a treatment will impact one of my other conditions and been told to ask that doctor.  In fact, my last attack of ulcerative colitis was in 1998 as a reaction to anti-inflammatory drugs prescribed by a former orthopedist (I warned him about my UC and was assured there would be no problems...if I had asked my gastroenterologist he would have deleted that treatment option).  The point is to consider the opportunity to be a part of a multi-specialties group. We recently began this process using a major university hospital group.  We will keep our local primary care physician, but we will move as many of our specialists as possible to this new location. In just the first weeks, we have been impressed with how the communication between specialists makes treatment options safer and more comprehensive about our health.

Good luck!

Welcome

Dear Folks,

Glad you made it here.  I start this blog with three goals in mind:

1.  Story telling, which for those who know me is a natural state,

2.  Making piles of money from advertising on this interweb thing,

3.  And sharing some experiences that may have be helpful to others just retired or planning soon to be.

My wife and I retired three years ago, and I can truly say it has taken us (me, mostly) all three to begin to understand the state of retirement, at least as it pertains to us.  We have learned much by long study and even more from bumbling.  I can't say life would have been a lot easier if we'd known all these things before, but I suspect we would have saved headaches, sleep, and money.  These "lessons" will mostly be in the form of suggestions but will also include open-ended stories to use as you will.

Hope you enjoy,

Rick and Pam