Suggestion 4:  Money Arguments and Dreams

My wife and I have been married for over 30 years, and quite a few people have noted just how close we are.  Being teachers, we drove to work together and then home almost everyday.  We had the same vacation days.  She even sat next to me on the bench when I coached girls’ basketball at Collinwood Middle School (that is when I ever sat down).  We’ve had our share of fights through the years, usually because of some stressful circumstances we were living through.  These arguments can be intense but are almost always very short-lived since we quickly discover the root cause---external stress.  For retired folks who spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week together, it is essential to truly enjoy each other and get along.  We do.

This brings me to a memory of my parents’ marriage that lasted over 30 years (my mother died 30 years ago, father 17).  My childhood was positive in many ways, but the fighting in our house was predictable---constant!  I know there couldn’t have been fussing everyday, but time tends to paint with a broader stroke each year.  Suffice to say it was “normal” behavior in our house.  The topic always seemed to center on money---too much spent/too little brought in.  Even in elementary school I used to try to get all the numbers from them to see just where the problems lay.  They were surprisingly ready to share income and expenses with an 11 year old.  I suppose both considered the final numbers would support their argument.  The ironic thing was that there was always more than enough money for all the bills.  This will not be surprising to people of a certain age and background, since frugality was the course for poor folks moving to the big city (Memphis) for jobs.  They were both country-raised in Mississippi and living within your means was just what you did.  So, what were they fighting about?  Dreams.

I know now what I couldn’t see then.  They had plenty of money to fund all their needs but not enough to pay for separate dreams.  My father worked everyday as a master tool and die maker to allow the family to move back to his Mississippi roots on the old family farm.  My mother taught special education to keep the family in Memphis.  Both dreams had risks and benefits.  Both dreams were justifiable.  Both dreams could be successful.  They were just one dream too many.  So they funded one dream for a while---fixing up the old home place near Corinth---while maintaining the Memphis dream.  Then the Memphis dream would take most of the funds putting the farm on hold.  Neither dream was ever completely ignored…or satisfied.

The point is I believe a shared dream is maybe the most essential aspect of a healthy relationship, and this need is even more apparent after jobs stop taking most of your time.  Somehow through the years we’ve developed the notion of compromise as a noble, healthy process.  Compromise may be necessary but its very need demonstrates a fundamental difference of opinion.  I’m not sure people can compromise on deepest philosophical issues---like dreams.  Furthermore, I believe nothing is more powerful in a relationship than a shared dream.  One of many poems I’ve written my wife ends with this awareness:

“You are not my reason for living, but you’re why I have so little fear.”